An Open Letter to the Parents, Family and Friends of a TranssexualSince you are reading this, I assume that someone close to you, a friend or family member, has made what must appear to you to be a very shocking and perhaps disturbing disclosure. Your thoughts must be racing at this moment and your emotions are probably in a turmoil. You probably have many questions. If you are concerned about the person, you probably have some fears. In this letter, I will try to answer some of those questions and deal with a few of those fears. I can speak with authority on this subject, because I am a transsexual.
However, before answering those questions, let me give you some insight into what it is like for a transsexual to make such a disclosure. It hasn't been that long since I told my parents about my intention to change sex. We had always maintained a close relationship. Nevertheless, telling them this "secret" was the most difficult thing I've ever done. It took nearly a year of therapy to be able to do so. Every time I visited home or talked to my folks on the phone, I thought about the time I would have to tell them. I couldn't enjoy my visits with them, because I'd wonder if this was the last visit I'd make.
As transsexuals, we hear all sorts of horror stories about people losing friends, family members turning away, parents disowning their children. At a less intense level, we routinely hear of vicious arguments, recriminations and denunciations of the person by family members. I have to admit, some transsexuals are tactless in the ways they make their disclosures and invite such confrontations. But, nonetheless, these stories race through your mind as you consider sharing this important part of your life with the people you love.
I remember sobbing uncontrollably for nearly an hour after completing the letter tape I sent to my parents telling them of my decision. As I placed the envelope in the mail, I knew it was possible (I couldn't believe it was probable) that they would be so angry or embarrassed that they would ask me not to come home again. The next 24 hours were the closest thing to Hell on earth (and I'm not swearing) I could imagine. Inside my emotions, fears and expectations were running wild. I tried to imagine what the response would be, but I couldn't. I wanted to call and tell them it was just a big joke, but I knew they had a right to know, even if that meant me losing them forever.
I know you are confused, and possibly angered, by your friend or family member's disclosure. What you need to understand is the agony that person went through to tell you. The only reason they did it is because they care for you, and they believe you need to know.
With that in mind, let's look at some of the questions you must have about your loved one's problem and the solution they have chosen.
What exactly is transsexualism?
Transsexualism is defined as being a persistent discomfort about one's gender intense enough to cause them to seek to change sex. The best way to really understand this feeling is to imagine that tomorrow morning you woke up and found that during the night you had been changed into a member of the opposite sex. Your mind is the same. Your internal image of yourself as male or female is unchanged. However, your body has changed and you will have to live up to the expectations of that gender. If you can imagine that for just an instant, you can understand what it is like to a transsexual. Transsexualism then is simply have the internal gender identity of one sex and the body of another. Put another way, it's being a woman's mind trapped inside a male body or a man trapped in a female body.
Does this mean that he or she is homosexual?
Sexual orientation and gender identity are separate issues. Most transsexuals consider themselves to be heterosexual members of the opposite sex. Many of us are celibate. Most of us are very conservative in sexual matters. Some male to female transsexuals will become lesbians, however, that is unrelated to the gender dysphoria. The "sex" referred to in transsexualism means "gender." It does not imply a specific type or prevalence of sexual activity. All that is happening is that the person you know is leaving one gender to join the other. It's as simple, and as complex, as that.
Can't you get help for this sort of thing?
Well, that depends on what you men by "getting help." If you mean that there might be some therapy which would "cure" the person and make them accept their physical sex, the answer has to be "No." No treatment has been successful in that regard. Gender identity is fairly well established by the time a person is two or three years old. By the time he or she is an adolescent it is solid. On the other hand, help is available in the sense that the specially-trained psychologists can help the person clarify his or her feelings about gender issues. If it is appropriate for that person to make such a change in his or her life, the psychologist can help that person make this difficult, but fulfilling, transition and deal with the challenges, both practical and emotional, that accompany the process.
As a parent of a transsexual, was there something I did wrong raising my child.
The issues surrounding the question of what causes transsexualism are controversial. However, studies of patterns of child rearing and family structure have yielded such contradictory results as to render them invalid. There is no solid evidence to suggest that parents could prevent transsexualism. Much promising research is being conducted in areas related to biological factors related to discovering the "gender switch" in the human brain. Whatever the cause of transsexualism, it is clear at this time there is no known way to prevent the condition whether by medicine or by parenting practices.
You speak of a transition process. What is entailed in this process?
The transition process is a long, challenging, wonderful, exciting, frustrating, tear-filled, laugh-filled, happy, sad experience. It begins with honesty. You begin to treat your situation honestly. You stop denying what you are and decide to seek help. The help comes initially in the form of a psychologist trained in gender dysphoria. This person becomes your counselor, guide, confessor, therapist and friend. You deal with issues directly and indirectly related to your transsexualism. You don't need to carry old baggage into your new life. I had to deal with some issues related to my relationships with my peers in high school and my social isolation as a male. You also deal with the trials of the transition: the times when you are embarrassed by some rude teenager in a mall yelling out crude things, the times when you worry about your job and what will happen when you tell them about the changes, the times you make a disclosure and someone turns away, the times you cry until dawn because you feel like you're the only person in the world who feels this way. But the counselor is also a person to share your triumphs with, someone who understands and gets excited with you when you are called ma'am for the first time, or when you buy your first Easter dress or when you pass certain milestones such as name change, first job and the beginning of the real life test.
After a minimum of three months in therapy, the transsexual can begin hormone therapy. The hormones begin to feminize or masculinize the body. For males-to-females this means softening of skin, a change in muscle strength, redistribution of body fat, softening of facial features, reduction of sex drive and breast development. The hormones can also mean mood swings ranging from a mild moodiness about once a month to unpredictable extreme shifts of mood. However, since this is expected you learn to adapt, much as a genetic woman learns to adapt to her monthly period. Female to males develop greater muscle mass, skin becomes tougher, voice deepens and facial hair begins to grow. Unlike the effects of female hormones on male-to-female transsexuals, androgen effects are often irreversible. Therefore, beginning a hormone regimen is a serious step for the woman who wished to become a man. These hormonal changes have more effect than simple changes in body structure. You actually begin to feel more like a member of your appropriate sex. You are gradually becoming more congruent with your real self. The next major step is to begin the full-time living test otherwise known as the Real Life Test or RLT (which some people say stands for Real Long Time). The RLT is a one year period of time during which the person must live, work and socialize entirely in their new role. This is the most important part of the transition process. During this time of crossliving you become a woman (or man) socially, legally, professionally and emotionally. For the first time in your life you become one person. You no longer have a secret real self that is hidden away or must share its existence with the false self. Your life is congruent with your gender identity. I suspect that your friend or family member is close to beginning this period and that is why he or she is making this disclosure. The period immediately before the RLT is a period of disclosures. You have to tell your boss, insurance agents, Department of Motor Vehicles, social security, credit card companies, banks, landlord, and, most difficult of all your family and friends. I hate disclosures. As many as I've made, they don't come easily. I agonize over each one. I've been lucky. Most people have been courteous, kind and actively supportive. My boss offered to help make the transition easier. My parents called immediately to offer me their love and support. Sometimes I was surprised at how kind people could be to someone so different. It was humbling at times. At the end of the year the person obtains a letter from his or her psychologist and a second psychologist certifying that he or she is a true transsexual and will benefit from surgery. The surgery is expensive ranging from $5000 to $40,000 depending on the surgeon and the services offered. I won't go into surgical details here. However, the surgery is painful and a period of 6 - 8 weeks is generally needed to recover enough to return to normal functioning. The surgery is major, but it is relatively safe. However, recovery is aided if the person has the support of friends and family. Will you provide this support?
Will this be the same person I've known all along?
Yes--and No. Yes, this person will still have the same likes and dislikes. His or her personality won't change substantially. All the qualities that you liked in the old person will still be found in the new one. But to say there won't be any changes would be foolish. For one thing, this person will now relate to you as a member of the opposite sex. His or her mannerisms will be congruent with that sex. Because this person will be treated as a member of that sex certain aspects of his or her personality will change as a result of that socialization. You will probably find, though, that such changes will seem very natural for the person. You will probably find that the person will become more outgoing, become less serious (read depressed), display new talents you didn't know they had, and generally present themselves as a happier, more fulfilled, more confident person. In short, this will be the same person you've known all along, but they will be more than what they were in the past.
How will this change my relationship with the person?
That all depends on the relationship you currently have with the person. If you are a wife, lover, or football team member with the person, it will change greatly. As the physical changes occur, these physical relationships will change. However, for parents, brothers and sisters, friends and employers the change will be less drastic. I just returned from my first visit with my parents as a woman. I think we all were surprised at how ordinary everything was. We discussed politics, the church, people we knew, all the things we normally discussed. I talked a little more with my mother about fashion. My Dad seemed to be a bit more protective of me than usual. But overall, things really changed little. Obviously, the nature of your relationship now will dictate how much the relationship will change, but you may be surprised at how little really changes.
How do I talk to this person now?
Basically, you talk to them as you always did. At first, it will be a bit awkward and you'll get the gender pronouns mixed. You'll forget and call them by their former name. Don't worry about such things. Most of us understand this and won't hold it against you. Just remember that the person is still the same person you always knew. Treat them as your old friend, family member, son or daughter as you always did.
Why did this person leave me/us to be the last to tell?
The odds are if you were the last people he or she told, it probably means you are the one that person cared the most about. As already stated, making this disclosure to anyone is pretty anxiety ridden. It's hard enough to tell anonymous bureaucrats; it's almost impossible at the start to tell people who matter. Most of us have to "practice up" on small disclosures before we make the big ones. Many times we want to get as much business out of the way as possible before telling our loved ones. This way we can focus entirely on the relationship and not be distracted by a lot of trivia related to the transition. So, if you were left till the last, it was probably because you were loved the most.
What can I do to help this person?
Just asking the question is a great start. Just to know that the people you love still care about you can mean the world to you. Going through the trauma of telling a loved one about your gender reassignment is so nervewracking that you are overjoyed if that person is still talking to you afterwards (sometimes they won't). If you are concerned enough to ask how you can help, you have shown a level of support many transsexuals do not receive. In more practical ways you can simply be there for the person. Be ready to listen to them about what they are experiencing. But please don't overload the person with questions right at first. Clarify a few areas which are of greatest concern for you, then let the person disclose the rest at their own pace. If you are a member of the sex this person is entering, offer to help with their socialization in little ways. Offer to go shopping with them, take them to a ballgame, share fashion or makeup tips, include them in girl talk or guy talk. You may find that you are a role model for this person. If you are of the sex they are leaving, it will probably be harder for you. Please, don't view this as an act of betrayal. It's an act of becoming. Express your support for the person and through some small act confirm their gender choice. I was touched when my Dad put his arm around me and called me Terri for the first time. Most importantly, let this person know you love and support them no matter what they are or what they become. The message my mother left on my answering machine after my letter arrived is still etched in my memory: "It doesn't matter to us whether you are Charles or Terri; we love you regardless. We love our daughter as much as we loved our son." Excuse me for a moment I have to wipe my eyes.
You friend, family member, son, daughter, sister, brother, loved one took a major risk sharing this part of his or her life with you. He or she has expressed faith that you will accept him or her for who they are rather than what they look like. It's a major risk. You have in your power to lighten the burden and ease the pain of living life caught between the genders or you can make that burden a crushing load. The choice is yours. I'm glad the folks I cared about chose to do the former. What will you choose?
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MY SON, MY DAUGHTER
Copyright 1990 - Jane McDowell
Jane McDowell, Ladies Home JournalThe first time I saw my forty-one-year-old daughter, Geraldine, she was being wheeled into a hospital room after major surgery. She was hooked up to intravenous tubes and was barely conscious. When her doctor assured me that she was going to be fine, I was very relieved. But in spite of this good news, it was a day of mixed emotions for me. You see, when my daughter, Geraldine, went into the operating room a few hours earlier, she had been Gerald, my son.
Geraldine is a transsexual, a person who believes he or she is the victim of a biological mistake and is trapped in a body that is incompatible with his or her real sexual identity. Because they are so unhappy, some transsexuals choose to undergo a sex-reassignment operation, as my daughter did. I know this is hard to understand. However, I now accept what Geraldine did and why she did it. When I look at her today I see a content, self-assured woman. And when I compare her with the very troubled man she used to be, I believe she made the right decision.
As a male, Gerry had always been very unhappy. He was a difficult and even disruptive child, whose behavior often went to extremes. He was either so active that he couldn't sit still or so involved in what he was doing that he was oblivious to everything else. He also seemed confused about his life.
"Who am I?" he would ask me, clearly troubled.
"You're my son, Gerry," I'd reply.
"But what else am I?" he'd continue to probe. "Who am I really?"
"Gerald, you are a very smart boy, and I'm proud of you," I'd tell him.
"Will I always be your son?"
"Of course you will," I'd say firmly.
No matter how much I tried to reassure Gerry how special he was and how much I loved him, I somehow knew that I wasn't getting through to him. But I was at a loss for what to say or do. And I was more or less on my own, since Gerry's father and I had separated when Gerry was four years old.
As Gerry grew older he began to experience frequent periods of severe depression. By this time I had remarried, and my husband spent a lot of time trying to help him sort out his feelings. But Gerry still couldn't put into words exactly what was bothering him.
Things started to look up for Gerry when, at age twenty, he was introduced by a mutual friend to Linda, who was nineteen. They hit it off right away, and a year later they got married.
However, they gradually grew apart, and after ten years, Gerry and Linda were divorced. They had no children, which made the divorce less complicated. On his own again, Gerry finally began to face his feelings. He had grown increasingly unhappy and had experimented with drugs. He told me that he'd even contemplated suicide, and I was very worried about him.
Then, in May 1983, when I was visiting Gerry in New York, where he worked as a free-lance photographer, he said that he had something very important to talk to me about. Nothing could have prepared me for his next words.
"Mom, I'm going to have a sex-change operation," Gerry said.
I was stunned. I wondered if my son had finally gone insane. All these years I knew he had been desperately unhappy, and I had feared more than once that he might have a breakdown. This is it, I thought.
I didn't know what to say. Fortunately Gerry continued talking. He told me that even as a child he had secretly wished to be female, but he had been ashamed of those "bad" thoughts. When he had asked me all those years ago who he was, he had actually been questioning his gender. Now Gerry finally knew that there were other people who felt the same as he did and that it was indeed possible for him to change his sex.
Then Gerry reassured me that sex reassignment was not something he was entering into impulsively. He said he was in therapy and promised to continue to see his therapist. As we talked for hours, both of us were in tears. It was the closest I'd felt to my son in a long time. He was my child, and I loved him no matter what.
After I went back home, I couldn't stop thinking about Gerry. Every time I came up with a new argument against the operation, I would phone him. But he always explained patiently that he knew he was doing the right thing. He felt that his being born male was a birth defect, and that he had truly lived a nightmare for forty years.
This was the hardest thing I'd ever faced. Of course, I had heard of other transsexuals, "Renee Richards, for instance," but I simply couldn't accept my son becoming my daughter. I began having nightmares every night, after which I couldn't go back to sleep. Instead, I spent those long nights worrying about Gerry and wondering where I had gone wrong as a mother. I thought that what Gerry was going through now surely had to be my fault in some way, and I felt terribly guilty.
And of course, I was scared for my son. He was planning to undergo an irreversible operation. What if he wasn't happy with the results?
But since Gerry was determined to change his sex, I decided that it was important for me to learn everything I could about transsexuals. I read Second Serve, by Renee Richards, and all of the articles Gerry sent me. I found out that his condition was medically recognized and known as gender- identity disorder. I discussed my worries about the operation with my husband and my other son, Tim, Gerry's younger half-brother. Finally, I realized that Gerry desperately wanted my support and understanding, and little by little I began to reconcile myself to the operation. Certainly, Gerry wasn't happy the way he was. And having seen Gerry's distress for all these years, I didn't want his suffering to continue.
I was relieved to learn that, to be eligible for the operation, Gerry had to undergo extensive counseling and physical and psychiatric evaluation. All the professionals Gerry saw concurred that he was indeed a good candidate for surgery.
Gerry was also required to receive estrogen therapy and live for at least one year as a woman. He was undergoing electrolysis treatments and taking voice lessons to bring his voice up to a higher pitch. I accepted this as he explained it to me over the phone, but I knew it would be a totally different thing to see my son in the role of a woman.
A few months later, Gerry invited my husband and me to attend an open meeting of transsexuals at his psychiatrist's house. This was the moment of truth. When we arrived, Gerry was wearing a black dress with a white linen jacket and black pumps. His hair was shoulder-length, and he wore gold earrings. An objective observer would have seen him as an attractive woman. But this was my son. Intellectually, I had begun to accept that my son was becoming my daughter. But in my heart, I still had grave reservations.
Having got past that initial visual shock, I began talking with other transsexuals at the meeting (all of them women who had once been men). Doing so made me feel a lot more confident about what Gerry was proposing to do. Their stories were similar to Gerry's: They had been unhappy growing up and had felt early in life that something was wrong with them. But all of these women were happy with their new lives. Watching my son, I realized that he, too, seemed happy as a woman.
After that, I truly began to accept Gerry's sex reassignment, and so did my husband and Tim. We even started to call Gerry Geraldine, the new name she had chosen. I also decided to go with Geraldine to Colorado, where the surgery would be performed, since I couldn't bear for her to be all alone.
When the operation began I prayed that it would be a success. Afterward, Geraldine was pale and exhausted, but she started to regain her strength quickly. That night she was able to sit up in bed and eat dinner. Although Geraldine felt some pain, it was kept under control with medication. Eight days after the operation, she had recovered so well that her surgeon released her. I took her to my house to recuperate.
I could see an immediate change in Gerry. She was happy, almost bouncy. She said that she finally felt "right." I was very glad that the operation had been a success. My son was gone, but now I had a happy and apparently well-adjusted daughter with a whole new life ahead of her.
Geraldine healed quickly from the operation. I was amazed at how perfect her body was and how natural she looked. In fact, when I took her with me to run errands, no one ever gave her a second glance. The doctor had even told Gerry that she could have a normal relationship with a man, if she so desired.
After nine days at home Geraldine went back to New York to resume her photography career. I began nervously to tell family members and friends about the operation. I had worried about how they would react, but I was pleasantly surprised. Almost everyone I told felt that if Gerry had had to change her sex in order to find happiness, then she had done the right thing.
A few months later Geraldine came back home for Thanksgiving. From the moment she walked into the house it was as if she had always been a woman. She looked wonderful, she walked gracefully, and she seemed totally at ease in her new body.
Since the operation, my relationship with Geraldine is much stronger. We're very close, and we talk and write often. She's become a gentle, sensitive, thoughtful woman, and she's truly pleased with her life. I no longer worry about Gerry as I used to. Instead, as I think any mother can understand, I'm thankful that she's finally happy.
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I also have the letter that I wrote to my sister and she did make a big deal
on how I cared enough to take the time and include all that I did and
broke it down into sections.Such as personal email then 2 open letters
then more personal email and then brain text
and ended with personal email.If you need help putting together a letter or email just ask
and I will help out all I can.
No sence on going through this wonderful experience alone !!!info@true-gender.com